The cell phone in your hand is not what we thought it would be. Research shows we are trending away from talking to each other over the phone. In fact, speaking isn’t even in the top ten things we do with a telephone anymore. See if the list below from a UK study matches how you use your phone ー chances are it is pretty close.

1. Texting (88%)
2. Email (70%)
3. Social Media (62%)
4. Camera (61%)
5. Reading news (58%)
6. Online shopping (56%)
7. Checking the weather (54%)
8. WhatsApp (51%)
9. Banking (45%)
10. Watching videos on YouTube (42%)

Today, it seems that talk is cheap. Speaking on the phone doesn’t have the premium value it once did.  Maybe this is because, for many people, texting is more efficient, while email provides a more reliable, longer-term way to keep track of conversations and information. 

Not using our phones to actually talk to each other is one thing, but the non-verbal ways we tend to use these devices today have become so pervasive that they’ve gone in the opposite direction: our smartphones are now an obstruction to face-to-face dialogue. Many people even look at their phones during in-person conversations, a new digital form of snubbing that lets their cell phones commandeer their attention. Specifically, they are phone-snubbing or “phubbing” ー a word created for the sole purpose of labelling this phenomenon.

In 2012, the McAnn advertising agency pulled together a group of lexicographers at the University of Sydney for a campaign for the Macquarie Dictionary. The agency's account director, Adrian Mills, is credited with having coined the term, and it has been in use ever since. Now part of the vernacular of digital audiences around the globe, the word has even been used in Facebook campaigns.

Since then, phubbing has become more than just a faux pas. Research indicates that it is a serious concern for physical and psychological well-being.  When people interrupt or tune out of a conversation to check their phones, it creates emotional whiplash. And in a surprising series of findings, the emotional impact isn’t just on the phubbee—it also seems to be an indication that the phubber may be depressed.  Beyond friends and acquaintances, lovers who phub each other may have problems in the bedroom.  Studies show phubbing reduces relationship satisfaction among romantic partners, and that it can also harm parent-child relationships. 

It has long been known that cell phones are a dangerous distraction while driving. Such use takes cognitive capacity and visual awareness away from the driver’s ability to attend to the road.  Distracted drivers can’t process physical, sensory, motor, visual, and cognitive information, and as a result, they don’t drive as well. The result is poorer vehicle control with a greater risk of accidents, injuries, and death.  No one has to convince you that looking at your cell phone while driving is a bad idea. It is, quite literally, an accident waiting to happen.

Phubbing may now be the emotional equivalent of distracted driving. You may not get into a serious accident while looking at your phone during a conversation, but you may still be hurting yourself and others. Scientists have labelled the chronic craving for social media as Problematic Social Media Use (PSMU), and phubbing is a central part of what is being investigated. PSMU is often studied as an addiction because it meets the criteria: Like a drug, overusing one’s cell phone causes such reactions as mood modification, tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, and relapse. This link to drug addiction is never so clear as through the terminology employed when talking about people overly dependent on cell phones, and those addicted to drugs: both are deemed “users”. After all, people who buy and operate a cell phone should properly be called customers or clients.  Instead, as pointed out in the 2020 Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma, directed by Jeff Orlowski, both drug addicts and cell phone owners are uniquely called “users”. An addiction is an addiction, and not all of them involve an unhealthy dependence on a physical substance. 

Are We Addicted To Our Cell Phones? 

There are various nuances to this behavioural and psychological addiction, too: Cell phone addiction is different from general internet addiction. The phone has a wide range of applications. If you are dependent on your phone to the point where you have trouble not looking at it, a host of emotional reactions will follow. You will have more negative emotions like anxiety and depression, lower self-esteem, less psychological well-being, and many fewer positive emotions. 

Yet why do so many of us feel such an overpowering need to stay connected to our phones?   The top reasons are relationship maintenance, network expansion, and surveillance.  We are addicted to our phones because we want to stay connected, expand our connections, and keep an eye on everybody. What is curious about phubbing is that, while we are with someone and know exactly where they are, we are still looking for others to connect with and to watch on our phones.

If you think you are impervious to phubbing (whether that’s doing it to someone else, or having been phubbed yourself), think again: according to various different surveys, 49-72% of us have been phubbed. The impact of this behaviour at work can be devastating, with employees who have been phubbed by their boss feeling their work is not valued, which then deteriorates their self-confidence. In school, phubbing is seen as a major distraction, and in relationships, it is now widely noted that the satisfaction between partners is negatively affected by phubbing. After all, who wants a romantic partner who is having an affair with their cell phone? 

But all of these studies revolve around the phubbed, the victims in the situation. Some intriguing research out of China has found that the person actually doing the phubbing may also be just as emotionally overwhelmed. In a paper published in December 2021 in the Journal of Affective Disorders, a team of researchers from various universities in China found that phubbing not only had a deleterious effect on the mental health of the phubbed, but it also affects the mental health and well-being of the phubbers. In studying over 900 primary and secondary school teachers, the researchers found that phubbing enhanced job burnout and increased the risk of depression.

This is an extraordinary finding because it means that although there is a powerful impact on the receiving end, the act of offending may be causing even greater issues. While this is surprising at first—that phubbing would so deeply affect the offenders—it makes sense. The overuse of mobile phones is already known as a predictor of depression, anxiety, loss of sleep, and low self-esteem. Taken with the reduced quality of communication, phubbing can cause—along with the destruction of interpersonal relationships—this reduced relationship satisfaction confirms the feelings of burnout. By not paying attention during conversations in favour of diddling with their phones, the offenders reinforce their isolation and burnout status.

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How To Stop Phubbing People

There are several things you can do to stop yourself from phubbing others, each designed to keep you engaged rather than distracted. You would do better to do everything you can to stay connected in a conversation for a minute than be in a conversation for 90 seconds while spending 20 of them phubbing someone. The key is to stay engaged for as long as you can ー and then excuse yourself if you need to check the phone. Telling someone you have to take care of a few things right now, but that you will get back to them as soon as possible, is better than drifting away into phub-dom.

Here are some key strategies:

1. Awareness. This might seem obvious, but acknowledging that there are at least two people in the conversation is the foundation for being ready to connect. Begin by thinking about the fact that someone is joining you, and that they may be coming to this meeting with a very different level of readiness and awareness than you. Make the time you have together count, so that it is valuable and enjoyable to you both. Even if it is brief, make it positive and engaging.
2. Presence. This allows you to be fully “in” the encounter.  Don’t give in to becoming distracted while in the conversation ー this lack of presence and engagement makes the connection feel weak and unimportant. Instead, save your dyads for when you can be fully present. If you know you are going to meet with someone, you might try leaving your phone behind or putting it in your pocket for the duration.
3. Genuineness. Try to bring all your attention to what the person is saying, and choose your words back to them with authenticity. To start and maintain a good connection, you will need to listen and speak with an emphasis on openness, honesty, and transparency.  If you are trying to mask your feelings and reactions, this is likely to be another form of distraction in your conversation. If you only have a certain amount of time to speak, say this in the beginning so that there will be two of you acknowledging that the time is limited.  This will help you stay engaged, aware, and focused throughout.
4. Active listening. This concept has been around a very long time, yet it is still not always practiced. As an active listener, you feed back to someone what you heard them say. A large percentage of communication errors comes from a lack of active listening. When you are phubbing, you are not truly listening, despite what you think.  An active listening statement typically creates a natural pause in the conversation. For example, “Let me make sure I am understanding ー you finished the report on time, but they said they didn’t get it, is that right?”  This active listening does two things.  First, it allows you to assimilate what is being said, put it in your own words, and feed it back to the other person for review. This will definitely keep you engaged. Secondly, active listening allows for confirmation or clarification. In this example, the feedback given could be responded to by the original sender by saying: “Yes, that’s right. I worked on the report for two weeks to get it in on time, and they ignored it.” Or, as a clarification. “Well, I only finished part of the report, but they wouldn’t accept it.” In either case, the connection and conversation remain a positive experience between two people.

How To Stop People Phubbing You

If you are on the receiving end of this behaviour, there are three things you can do if someone phubs you. Remember, according to the research, if someone is phubbing you, it may be saying more about their emotional state than they realise. Here are three ways to cope.

1. As soon as someone phubs you, state the obvious ー but in a compassionate and non-confronting way. Try saying something like: “It looks like there is something important you need to attend to. I can come back later, or we can talk at another time if this is inconvenient.” This lets them know that the conversation you were having isn’t going forward, that you won't ignore their distraction, and that you are willing to be flexible. All of these things move the conversation toward a resolution rather than ignoring what’s happening.
2. A somewhat more direct approach is to say: “Do you need me to reschedule? I will need feedback on some of the things I have to cover, and it looks like you have something important going on”. This trick does the same as the first one, but it gives the individual a clearer message that both your time and message are important for them to acknowledge. Once again, it highlights that if they can’t be present, you aren’t interested in staying in the conversation.
3. Finally, there is a soft and non-direct way that can nudge the person back into the conversation ー by saying “Do you need me to wait until you take care of that?” This is quite lovely in that it makes it known that their behaviour has been noted, and you are asking for some guidance from them on how you should proceed. This method may be gentle, but it is still powerful, as it awakens the phubber to the fact that their behaviour has had a consequence. 

In every instance of dealing with a phubber, the key is not to let it go unnoticed. Avoidance allows the behaviour to continue ー along with the negative feelings it can create. By politely speaking up, you may not only be helping to prevent a hijacking of the conversation and one’s attention, but you may also be helping to alert someone to the existence of this emotionally taxing behaviour.

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 Written by Dr. Dan Tomasulo, an American psychologist, writer, and professor, and the Academic Director and core faculty at the Spirituality Mind Body Institute, Teachers College, Columbia University, New York. He is the author of Learned Hopefulness: The Power of Positivity to Overcome Depression. Dan’s passion is positive psychology and the science of happiness, helping people focus on their strengths and cultivating their best selves so they can lead meaningful and fulfilling lives.

  All of the content on our website is thoroughly researched to ensure that the information shared is evidence-based. For more information, please visit the academic journals and other resources that influenced this article: The Relationship Between Phubbing And The Depression Of Primary And Secondary School Teachers: A Moderated Mediation Model Of Rumination And Job Burnout; My Life Has Become A Major Distraction From My Cell Phone: Partner Phubbing And Relationship Satisfaction Among Romantic Partners; Cell-Phone Addiction: A Review; Exploring The Role Of Social Media Use Motives, Psychological Well-Being, Self-Esteem, And Affect In Problematic Social Media Use.